...and she cried wolf

I am a liar. I have always been a liar. Brett and other various family members will verify this. I have this instinct to lie immediately when confronted with anything because, basically, even if I didn't do anything wrong I am worried I am going to get in trouble. I think I have always been like this. Well.... I know. My favorite bedtime story was the Boy that cried Wolf. It is one of the best! I mean, the kid pulled off the best practical joke ever! I guess that was my tiny brain's interpretation at the age of 5.

I lie for stupid reasons... not as much to others now as I do to myself. I tell myself I am trusting God to open/close the doors necessary in my life. I am hopeful it works the way I have it mapped out in my head... but I tell myself that if it doesn't that's OK. But then, it isn't OK, because I was lying!

God closed a big door this week in Brett's job search. The kind of door that makes you think that nothing will be happening any time soon. Brett assured me that he was at peace with it because an answer, whether yes or no, was what he specifically prayed for that morning. I had been praying too, but, I had placed my hope in the fact that His answer would be the one I had already figured out in my mind. I had not placed my hope in Him. I talked up a big game to myself and as I was writing. Deep down though, my sinful selfishness still had a hold of the roots of this situation in my heart.

I obviously had not thought that he understands what my needs are better than I ever could. I always hope for and think I know the right situation that will accommodate everyone. Then I pray for that situation to happen. Maybe God isn't looking to accommodate everyone when it comes to directing my life. Maybe He isn't concerned if the plan He has in place will make everyone happy. Maybe He knows beyond my wildest dreams what situation will allow me to grow closer to Him better than I do. Maybe I shouldn't use the word maybe. I should be saying I know. Just imagine if I replaced all the "maybes" with "I know". What a confident and steadfast sentence that would make!

I know that lying to myself has become dangerous. The things I place my hope in creates the most unbelievable sensation of pressure that builds up inside me as Brett comes in with yet another position that gets filled or with positions that come open. I start to fill up with intense anticipation and when the results are not what I was hoping for, I feel deflated and sometimes very alone. I know I am not alone, but the fact that my hope was not for Christ alone creates this feeling. Whenever I put my hope in anything but Christ this is the result, especially when I put my hope in the hope that God will answer my specific prayer with a YES only.

God has a plan. I just have to stop lying to myself about what that plan is.... because I have no clue and I it won't be my plan.